GRACE

They say being ungracious is the quickest road to oblivion. Discover the importance of thoughtful and compassionate communication. Learn how to reserve comments, respond with fairness, and speak your truth with kindness. Explore the impact of grace on personal and professional relationships.

“When they go low, we aim high.”

– Michelle Obama.

In my childhood imagination, I used to think that grace was about having the gentility of a geisha pouring over some tea or a dancing ballerina or walking with the poise of a supermodel. I would overhear people saying: “Ooh, she walks with so much grace”, and “Have the grace of an angel”. It gave the impression that possessing grace was equal to perfection.


It took me so long to understand that grace, in its defined and exemplified term, is more than that. It has nothing to do with how you seem outside than how you feel inside. It all starts from within. It is about consistently finding the calm in the storm of the emotional and mental drama in our ordinary lives; then projecting only, which is good about our experiences.


A while ago, I was driving with a friend who was enduring a rather contentious separation from her husband.


Her husband, whom we shall call WP (Wandering Pipi), had not only abandoned her and their children but had been serially cheating on her with numerous women. This was after he had made her leave a good-paying job and insisted she become a stay-at-home mom.


My friend had experienced two years of financial and emotional abuse from WP. He would leave the house for days, in the guise of hustling for money to support the family. When he came back, he would come with nothing or so little to barely pay the essential bills. My friend had started selling Shein clothes and braiding people to make ends meet.


Eventually, in the second year of long-suffering and endurance, she decided to leave her marital home after luckily finding a job in another province. WP had only found out she had left two months after she had gone because he had not visited the house in a while. And now he wanted back in.


My story about grace starts here. I did not know what grace was until I witnessed it in my friend arguing with her estranged husband.


The Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes grace as “a disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency."


Grace applies more to those who have wounded you the most. Because how hard must it be to be kind to someone who has hurt us?


WP had called my friend while we were driving. He was furious. The reason? He had sent his uncles to apologize to her family and to pay traditional damages for her to take him back. (This is a traditional African custom when one party has wronged the other). He berated her and called her names.


I was seething with anger as I sat there, driving and listening to the exchange. I was screaming back internally and had a few choice words that I wished I could say out loud. But I could not say anything out of respect for my friend and sheer humility at how she calmly managed his petulance over the phone.


If that is not grace, then I don’t know what is. And for the first time, I saw grace in real-time through my adult eyes.


Faced with a situation where she too, could have lost her cool and fought back, she remained kind and patient. She remained rational. She remained factual. She. Mothered. Him. She mothered him until he stopped and eventually hung up.


They say being ungracious is the quickest road to oblivion. In the five minutes of conversation, the story would be different if both exchanged words in anger.


When it comes to testing your levels of grace, you have to allow the moment to refocus and discern it for what it is. It’s a split-second decision. In a single breath, you can wrestle with the pig before you or you can side-step the puddle.


We have all been guilty of getting entrapped into vicious cycles of reacting to what people say or act toward us. At some point in our lives, we have found ourselves in some kind of mud pit - fighting to stay on top of a situation to prove to those ‘against us’ that they’ve wronged us. The level of pettiness reached in these mud pits only dims our goodness and illuminates the chaos within our souls and minds. The whole cycle is exhausting and in moments of epiphanies, you may realize how much energy is wasted trying to get people to see your way.


Every emotional or mental trigger will itch for you to jump into the muddy fray. Your choices are what will characterize your grace.


Would getting dirty and arguing back be part of how you spent the day? Will this become a moment in your history where you fought back dirtily at the other person’s level? Will this be the day you gloat over their (imaginary – I hope.) corpse?


In my experience, I have realized that the exhibition of grace towards other people means that I have had to be tactful with my responses. Or not respond at all. The tongue can unleash the most damage, they say. And boy have I fought some pigs on occasion.


I have learned I lose nothing when I reserve my comments and not fight back dirty. Instead, I focus my energy on the triggers, thus discerning the mud pit for what it is – another person’s bad day that they are figuring out how to deal with.


Of course, it does not mean we become a doormat. Grace means knowing when to respond and how to respond without hurting. Grace means being firm but just. Taking the high road, calling out the bullshit for what it is, and moving on.


Human grace is that. It is about seeing the shit, stepping over it, and moving on. Love the unlovable. Let go of the unforgivable; do not allow it to poison your path to greatness.


If you must lose your calm, make sure you have all your facts in hand. Be fair with your argument. Use your words, speak the truth, and drag a b*tch with kindness.


Letting go of the past

The past is a strange thing. We are constantly looking back, trying to figure out what went wrong and what we should have done differently. But in doing so, we get stuck obsessing over things that are no longer relevant to the present.

The past is a strange thing. We are constantly looking back, trying to figure out what went wrong and what we should have done differently. But in doing so, we get stuck obsessing over things that are no longer relevant to the present.

When I was a little girl I used to love picking up crystal like stones of a sandstone paved street from a high school where my uncle was the school head. I used to say one day they will be worth lots and I will be rich. Sometimes I imagined myself meeting a handsome prince and he would use my jewels to make me a crown like no other ever seen in this world…

Fast forward to now. I am in my mid-40s and single – no prince in sight and above all, I threw away my “jewels” a long time ago. They were just dirty old stones after all, and I could not quantify their worth. They were the past, and just a memory – so I thought.

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I had a strange dream about the stones a few day ago. I had gone searching for them once more and in them I was convinced I would find my key to happiness. In the dream I also encountered an old man who was tending the road. And when he saw me walking about the road searching for the precious stones in silence. It was just at the end of the dream he finally spoke to me and said: “You should stop looking into the past to find your joy. Look into the present and there your future will be. The stones are long gone.”

Very “Yoda- Esque” I know. But the dream was so vivid, and I woke feeling that whatever of the past I was hanging on to in order to be happy was about to be let go. I had to listen to my spirit voice and stop using my ego to explain away whatever my situation was.

Past memories are a strange thing…Hold on too tightly and you'll be bound to them forever, knowingly or unknowingly. Most of us have memories where we were once deliriously joyful. For some reason our minds revisit those places in times of need but for some we hang on to the past and what could have been and forget to also live in the moment. We forget to be happy and start using the phrase “if I had this” “if I had done that”. We see time moving on and adding to more pasts but we wait and hang on to the one moment that would have made us happy.

I have been on a mission to reflect on what experiences from the past I am hanging on to. Curate them and use them as a tool for learning and growing but never let it define who I am now. The epiphany that has been repeated over time is that life is a journey and so much more than the sum of its parts. It is a collection of experiences, some good and some bad – and it's up to us to decide which ones we allow to change us.

In learning to listen to my spirit’s voice I now ask myself: What are you doing? What are you hoping to find? Why has it been hard for you to let go? What will change now that you are here?

"Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good."

- Henry Rollins

 

When you honestly answer those questions then you will then realise how strange it is to hang on to so many old memories. Memories are just that. Memories. They should not have a strong hold on us. Yes, they help shape our story. But we are also not our past. We are the experiences we make now. If you try to hold on to lost memories, then you will never truly experience new ones. It is better to focus on what is going on in the now.

For twenty years I held the memory of the stones and it affected my psyche when it came to other opportunities I figured I had missed. Many a time I would find myself thinking about the past and what could have been. And when I snapped back from my daydreams of what could and would have been, I would soon see that nothing had been achieved yet and I had not fully lived.

It's normal to feel nostalgic. But it's not healthy, especially when you focus on past mistakes and missed opportunities. Lost memories are a waste of time and energy, which you could use to accomplish something better now.

If you find yourself constantly bringing up the past, it may be time to start looking at what you have learned from that experience and move forward.

To know and listen to your spirit’s voice

It is time to listen more to your inner voice. Let your soul disconnect to the sugared needs of an emotional and dependent world full of ego validations. Allow your spirit voice to lead you to your greatness. Do not waste your opportunities to create your dreams into many realities. You have lived long now. The time has come for you to regain your happiness and unchain yourself…

“I will be still and know you are God.”

This is a phrase from the Bible, specifically from Psalm 46:10. The verse reads: "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

It is a statement of trust and faith in God and recognition that God is sovereign and in control of all things.

I grew up and have lived to hear many a person (some not even Christian or believers say this out loud). I used to think it meant only to fear God and also let God take control. But as I grow older, I now see it as a message to know my soul and quieten my thoughts to hear God's voice. It is the voice of the spirit.

Truly listening in from the voice within


It took me a long while to connect with who I genuinely am from within. I have wasted time in my life listening to other people's opinions on what is against my best judgement. In most cases their opinions were harsh towards me and I listened to that. Knowing my spirit's voice truly a life changer and continues to be the greatest exploration.


So what is the spirit's voice? Well, listen to that inner voice - the one that consistently speaks tenderly to you, even when all hell is breaking loose. That is your spirit voice. It knows all the answers to the secrets of all life, not just your lived life. 
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For me, it was the voice that gently said "No" when I was faced with peer pressure. The one that whispered "you can do this" when all the self doubt started kicking in and "don't respond now" when I felt cornered with anger. I did not always listen because my mind was always fidgeting.

Your spirit's voice speaks less because you never allow it to. You constantly drown it with noise of mindless chatter with your other voices and external influences that feed your ego. The other voices tend to be reactionary to things, real or imagined. They lead you into situations where looking back, you marvel at how you still walk the earth. Those voices are never right, and you are fortunate to be here reading this today.

Have you taken enough time to wonder why?

It could be underlying trauma, fear of the unknown or even fear of your own success. Whatever it is, you always think there will be a time when you can catch up with the right voice and do the right thing at the right time. In addition, there is a misconception that it should all be done in stages.

When I was younger, I was told to study first and then wait till I got a job before I could completely live. Even then, I got the impression that life would be curtailed by adult responsibility: all one had to do was to live enough to survive the rat race and then wait to eventually die. (Oh yes, I was that kind of child!). A full life was in the stages set for the rat race, anything else was nonconformity – but my inner voice said there could and there was more. I chose the ego-feeding voices for the longest part because I wanted to belong.

Lifetimes have existed, but life never is fully lived. For most of us, the day we realize we are no longer children is the day life ends, and our spirit voice quietens for the rest of the world to take over. Only the lucky few keep the voice talking and successfully navigate life. The rest of us must find the path back to the inner love we once felt when the voice spoke.

In the beginning, during quiet meditation, I would hear the spirit voice speak and even get a glimpse of what my life could be like. But only for a brief moment. My many voiced ego and emotions flood in and dismiss the visions as nothing but daydreams. After years of seeing myself on numerous occasions discussing this with many people, I now write this article. It has taken a long to get here, but I now feel like I have lived long, and my soul and spirit have finally connected. I wanted to share what I know with you.

It is time to listen more to your inner voice. Let your soul disconnect to the sugared needs of an emotional and dependent world full of ego validations. Allow your spirit voice to lead you to your greatness. Do not waste your opportunities to create your dreams into many realities. You have lived long now. The time has come for you to regain your happiness and unchain yourself.

Yes, it will take much discipline and exercise to begin living your most authentic self. It is uneasy at first. But you have to start calling on that voice now, and with more frequency, it will not feel like a wasted effort. Here are some of the best ways to start recognizing your spirit and start listening in:

Be selective about the company you keep. Limit the time you spend with family and friends that sap your energy and joy. Let go of the negative talkers. It could be they always have negative comments and are always complaining – Limit your time spent with such people. Misery loves company and spreads like a poison that kills the spirit.
  • Allow yourself to be happy, even when you are alone – Especially when you are alone. It is the best time to meditate, pray and introspect. Identify and get to know your emotions and patterns that influence you. Critique them and nurture them. Your inner voice constantly wants to build up your confidence, replenish your mind and fill your heart with love – only if you let it and take the time to listen to it.
  • Seek support from people who champion your positive growth. This relates to the first point. Not all friends or family want to see you grow and become more. Once you filter the true champions of your life, reach out to them for support and guidance. It is helpful to talk through the situation with someone you trust.
  • Seek therapy if you can or find someone who helps you resolve any underlying traumas and limiting beliefs you carry.
  • Listen to your gut feeling - always. Trust your intuition and don’t follow the crowds thinking. You are unique for a reason.


You and and your spirit have been together since before time. You have have lived this life through so much. It is that intuition. It is the true gut feel. It is the safe space you long for. It is time to reconnect.

Remember, be still in times of overwhelming feelings and thoughts. Pause and allow the voice of your spirit to guide you.

New Year, Real Me

The truth is you can only grow when you allow yourself to, and you must know yourself to grow. The real magic of growth happens when you stop denying who you are.

Happy 2022 everybody! I hope you declared your new year's resolutions and are well on your way to being even more kick-ass humans on this planet.

This post is a whole year late and also posted just in time. Yes, an entire year. I kid you not. From fears of failure to Googling how I could do it better - a.k.a analysis paralysis - it took me a year to do this. [Sigh]. I tried so hard to be perfect. But the fear of failing made it hard for me to be focused and disciplined enough to sit down, try, and just do it.

As I type this, my heart is pounding, and I have butterflies in my stomach. My mind is fighting the negative what-if questions in the background. What if I fail? What if no one reads it? Who am I even trying to fool with this? I am not a writer...


I have also been distracted five times today trying to write this. I am a master procrastinator when I am afraid. I will Pinterest, check Twitter and Instagram. I will chase the butterflies in my head because I am afraid. Most of us have coping mechanisms to avoid facing the unknowns of task completion – adult attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a real struggle.

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But today I am resolute. I must do this today because the year has passed, and I am tired of fantasizing about my potential. I want to live it. We bring the best of ourselves when we are doing things we are passionate about. We are meant to grow and flourish like butterflies, but most times we stay as caterpillars and never living our true selves as we are meant to be.

Dealing with my naivety and subconscious fears

I have lived with the guilt and torture of not living my potential for such a long time. As a child, I believed that whatever you broadcast to the world on that stroke of midnight would come true. The veiled truth about new year’s resolutions is that it’s more complicated than that. It takes more than the universe for resolutions to manifest. Statistically speaking, most of us are more likely to let go of a proclaimed resolution within the first month of the year. 46% of us are like to push through till the middle of the year. And 4% successfully finish the year as planned. As a young adult, I would make ten resolutions a year and be satisfied with accomplishing some of them. I would forget some and only remember them at the end of another year. Some had SMART goals and some were pie in the sky at best. I did not realize is that this lack of planning inadvertently created a psychological cycle of stunted growth and a deep fear of failure. I have desired to do this post and more for many years, but I was trapped in a rinse and repeat cycle. I would declare I would make a perfect blog and podcast space. Then spend another year fantasizing about it. I even registered and started paying for the domain in late 2020. I had resolved my first post would be up by the 10th of January 2021. Well, this did not happen because here we are.

Becoming the real me

Funnily enough, in not accomplishing my resolution to live more authentically and start my life as a content creator, I vicariously helped others work on achieving their dreams. I found myself advising colleagues, acquaintances, and strangers alike to live more, love more, try new things, switch careers and start businesses. In all that advice I gave, I could hear my muffled subconscious voice screaming for me to follow the advice too. The veiled truth about acknowledging your depression and also failed resolutions, is how hard it is to admit it. I won awards, spearheaded great projects, and influenced others. I can admit now that I spent most of the past decade utterly depressed.


I was in a deep hole of depression and as the years dragged on, the more advice (solicited and unsolicited) I gave and the deeper the hole became. I was stagnant and withering away. I could lay the blame on a myriad of factors. A poorly-developed work-life balance, family drama, and studies. Yeah, the world did not make it easy, but I made it harder myself too. I suffocated myself to be perfect for others and paralyzed my personal dreams of growth. I doubted the advice I gave to others and as much as I saw them believing in it. I became an internalised negative self-talker at my worst.


Unveiling truths

The truth is you can only grow when you allow yourself to, and you must know yourself to grow. I knew this - I have read a few John C. Maxwell quotes. Only now do I honestly see it and understand it. The past two weeks I resolved I could never be perfect. And the standard of perfection is relative anyway. Tittering on forty-one years and I finally accept this about me and life.


Here’s to unveiling truths as we grow in our realness, I hope you can join me in the journey.